Enraptured Read online

  The sun lowers quickly in Iowa during the winter months. Days are short, and cold, and hard. Seasonal depression is a real thing, and at times I find myself struggling to wade through the mire that is my chemically unbalanced brain. When the suns finally reaches its last breath, Maria knocks on my door.

  “Come eat,” she orders.

  I stand from my bed and follow her out to the kitchen table. She’s set the table; instead of the paper plates or take-out containers my table normally displays, there are the actual real plates I completely forgot I owned.

  She’s made pork tacos. Real Mexican pork tacos. And they are mouthwatering. The rich flavor is almost overpowering, but somehow I manage to make myself eat.

  “Eating something this amazing shouldn’t be so hard,” I say between bites.

  “The morning sickness should pass soon,” she says, a kind smile on her face. I’ve eaten alone or in a hurry for more than a year. Actually, I’ve eaten alone for most of my life. My aunt was usually too busy working, or doing other things to eat dinner with me. The only time I really sat down for a meal with another human was when I was with Jake. Then it was a huge table loaded with comfort food, surrounded by a big family. Some blood relation, some hunting related. It was warm. I felt included. I miss that. I miss Jake’s family, I realize. I miss knowing my place in the world. I had a family, a real family, for three years. I want that for my child.

  I want a family for this child, but how am I supposed to give that to him or her? Kade is in Hell, and I have no one else. Todd, maybe? But after today, I don’t know. Would I be with Todd because I have feelings for him, or for a fill-in family for my kid?

  “Having second thoughts?” Maria asks.

  “Maybe,” I hedge. How much do I reveal to her?

  “It’s okay to feel doubtful, it’s okay to question what you’re doing,” she says.

  “I need to go get him; even if he chooses to stay, it’s still the right thing to do,” I explain. More to myself than her. My afternoon with Todd changes things, but not this. I refuse to not give Kade a chance, not after everything we’ve been through.

  “Supper is delicious,” I tell Maria as I eat a bit more. Not much, the spicy food starting to cause heartburn.

  “Thank you,” she smiles as she clears her dishes. Her plate goes in the sink. When I look to her left I see that she’s already cleaned up most of the mess from her cooking.

  “Here, let me help,” I say as I put my plate in the sink with hers.

  We wash the remaining dishes together, me washing, her drying. We’re both silent, lost in thought, but it’s not an uncomfortable silence. It’s companionship. It’s mutual understanding. We have a large task ahead of us, and I need to get into the game if I’m going to survive Hell with my life and the baby’s life intact.

  We watch a bit of TV after dinner, still mostly quiet. When I retreat to my room again after our fourth episode of Game of Thrones, I pick up my phone and text Todd. It’s a chickenshit move, but I can’t face him right now.

  Me: I’m taking some time off. I don’t know when I’ll be back, or if I’ll be able to work right away when I get back. I understand if you need to fire me, or hire someone new to fill my position. I’m sorry.

  I hit send and turn off my phone. I don’t want to see his response. The bar is still open, the college crowd probably just starting to arrive. It’ll be a few hours before he will check his phone anyway. My eyes close, and I snuggle deeper into my covers, and I hope for sleep to come take me away from my real life.

  Wind shakes the leaves on the trees. The sound covers the sound of my steps. I’m hunting, stalking a minor demon. His body that of a normal working guy; youngish, good-looking in a completely average way. I remember my shock at learning that the bodies of minor-level demons are that of real people. It’s possession, pure and simple. I always assumed they were like upper-level demons, corporeal on their own, possessing their own human form without the actual meat shell of a real human. I’ve since learned that a permanent human body is a reward. Get fifty gold stars, earn a human body to keep!

  Revulsion shakes my body. I don’t want to kill a human, but if the demon is this deep into his soul that it can wear its body, then they’re lost anyway. That’s another hard truth you learn in the hunting game. Lose your soul to a demon, lose your life. Either the demon will burn through your body, or be reckless with it, or a hunter will put you out of your misery. I pull my knife from my purse. I hate trying to pull it out of there during a fight. It’s an unneeded risk. Normally, I’d have it in a hidden holster, but the outfit I’m wearing doesn’t leave much room for hiding anything bulky.

  Leaves crunch behind me. Good, he’s following me like I hoped he would. I need to teach two people a lesson tonight. The demon for daring to come to earth, and the cocky douchebag following me.

  The demon is in pursuit of a target. He’s watching her from behind a dumpster in an alley. I see her too, she’s pretty, sweet, young. They like the young ones, their souls just beginning to tarnish after the innocence of childhood. He’s so into watching her, into lusting after her, that he doesn’t notice me until it’s too late.

  His head whips around at my approach. I watch as his eyes widen in surprise and then blacken. He smirks at me, my youth, my sweet summer dress, and my wide-eyed look tricking him into thinking that I’m harmless, an even more convenient and easy target. I hold my hands behind my back, my posture submissive and demure. He doesn’t know I’m holding a knife. He doesn’t know that I’m holding his demise.

  “You scared me,” he says innocently. His eyes flickered back to normal quickly. So fast that a human could trick themselves into thinking they had imagined it.

  “Sorry, I was just taking a shortcut to get to my friends,” I gesture to the group of kids hanging out in front of the ice cream shoppe, his intended target among them. He gives me a wide smile, the idea of the two of us being his prey almost too much for him to handle.

  “I’ll walk you, a woman shouldn’t be alone in a dark alley like this.” He offers me his hand. I take it, one hand still behind my back. I blush when our skin comes into contact. I can sense the stranger watching, I know he sees my knife, I can almost feel his bated breath. He’s waiting to see what I’ll do before he sweeps in and tries to save me. Again.

  “Wait,” I say, pulling the demon to me. I press my body against his, eager. I quickly swing my other arm around him to pull him into an embrace. I make sure his eyes stay glued to my face, to my lips, I press my breasts into him harder now, cleavage popping out the top. The cut of the dress makes this almost indecent. My arm makes it around him without him noticing the flash of metal through the air.

  I know he smells the alcohol on my breath, he thinks I’m drunk. A good girl, looking for a bad time.

  “You’re cute,” I admit to him, before I rise up on my toes. My lips almost make contact with his when the knife dives deeply into his back. It’s not easy driving a knife into someone’s back. Physically and emotionally. He gasps, then starts to smoke. His eyes blacken, I shove him away from me before he can try and retaliate. I speak in Latin, casting him back into Hell, and out of the human body he’s been wearing.

  Clapping, slow and steady, sounds from behind me.

  “Nice,” says the voice. The owner of the voice comes out of the shadows, his own knife going back into a sheath. I take a deep bow. My hair sweeping around me.

  “I’m Jake,” he says, his hand extended to me. He’s close now, so close I can see admiration in his deep blue eyes. Eyes that travel my body. I smile.

  “Tyler,” I say as I take his calloused and cool hand in my own. He’s not even nervous, I notice.

  “Tyler,” a soft whisper sounds in my hair. I moan in my sleep and try to get away from it. This is a good dream. The night I met Jake. It’s a rare happy memory. I want to stay in it a little longer.

  “Tyler, love?” the voice breaks in deeper. The slight accent. I know that voice. I open my eyes to see the o
wner sitting over me. His face is pale, almost real, but not. It’s astral Kade.

  “Kade,” I jump up. I want to wrap my arms around him, but I can’t. Something smacks in the back of my brain, and I remember it before anything else happens. I pull the blankets up around me, making sure that most of my body is covered. I’m not showing enough that I can’t still hide my advancing pregnancy, but in a tank top the small bump is noticeable. Especially to someone who has seen me naked.

  “You look beautiful,” he says, eyes sweeping me up and down, “I wish I could rip this from your body, and show you how beautiful you look,” he says. His palm rests on the blanket covering my legs. I can’t feel the weight of it.

  “I bet you do,” I laugh. “Hell dry of potential tail?” I ask him. I’m only teasing, but the idea sinks in my gut. It’s heavy, and huge. Jealousy always hurts, doesn’t it?

  “No time for it actually,” he says. His eyes leave mine and I wonder why he hasn’t visited me much, and why he’s not telling me what’s going on.

  “Maria is here,” I tell him, my voice low. Like his.

  “Oh?” He asks, his eyes are back on mine. Searching, trying to find out what I know, if anything at all. He is hiding it from me.

  “So, is your punishment up?” I ask, moving on. I’m not going to give him anything if he won’t give me anything. “Can you come visit yet?” My voice is eager.

  “Not yet, love,” he says. His voice sad, and wistful.

  “It just seems weird that they would punish someone they want to crown. That’s strange, right?” I can’t help it. The hard look he gives me is enough. I know he didn’t expect me to know.

  “It’s not what you think Tyler,” he defends quickly.

  “Really?”

  “What do you think will happen if I turn them down? If I flat out refuse to play the game?” He’s right.

  “I’m sorry, I got all butthurt.” I feel like a petty bitch.

  “I didn’t tell you because,” he stops. “Because part of me wants it.”

  “How much of you wants it?” I ask.

  “A large part of me, but an equally large part wants you.” His voice is a whisper. Like he doesn’t want to admit either one of these things.

  “Why did you still go back?” I question, “Why did we go through with it?” It’s a question I’ve asked myself a hundred times. Why did I do it?

  “I needed to come back, I needed to feel the weight of what I have done. Hell is supposed to be a place where the weight of our lives is felt,” he tells me.

  “You didn’t expect to be asked to be a prince, did you?” Was motivation to go back? To be away from me?

  “I had no idea, I’d been infected with a soul, cast out because of Maria’s spell.”

  “And now? The soul?” I want to know if they know about it. If they care.

  “It’s a non-issue. It won’t survive if I become prince, so they don’t really care.” He shrugs. “There are tons of souls down here. Some in bodies, some just floating around feeding off of pain and misery, a soul is nothing.”

  “A soul is everything,” I argue. Could I be with a soulless Kade? He gives me a blank look.

  “I don’t have much of a choice,” he admits. One of the things I learned from Kade in our time together, there is a final death for him. Humanity and mortality is a punishment. I think Kade could survive that. But what happens if someone is killed in Hell. Nothing, Kade had told me. You just cease to exist. It’s a terrible thing to imagine, even as a mortal who isn’t as old as Kade. I want my life to mean something, I want to go on. I want this life to have not been in vain. Sure, I’d rather spend eternity in Heaven, but to someone like Kade, someone who was human so long ago that they don’t even remember their lifetime, Hell is home.

  “I miss you,” I admit. I want to tell him about the baby, but it feels too cruel. You’re having a child that you’ll never get to spend a real moment with. Congrats.

  “I miss you too,” he says as he places a kiss on my forehead. Just like that he’s gone, and I’m left alone in the darkness. Alone once again.

  “Who do you think is going to sit on the Iron Throne?” Maria asks me in between bites of popcorn. We’ve been binging the show for about 2 hours straight. She’s only on season 1. Every time she makes a comment about a future dead character, or asks a silly question, I just smile at her.

  “Oh, you sweet summer child, you have much to learn, and a great journey to travel before you can even begin to make that kind of guess,” I say to her. My hand reaches into the bowl of popcorn between us, and I glue my eyeballs back to the screen. My phone is still turned off and in the other room. I have no plans of leaving this apartment, or calling anyone, or interacting with another human other than Maria until I leave for Hell.

  My body sinks further into the couch as the show continues. Before I know it, I’ve fallen asleep and a blanket is tucked around me. The smell of cooking food makes me bolt off the couch, I race to the bathroom and throw up in the toilet. My morning sickness is waning, but when it rears its ugly head I’m usually unprepared for it. Chunks of vomit plop into the toilet at an alarming rate. For a brief moment I feel like I’m suffocating on my own puke. It’s terrifying. I sit back from the toilet and lean against the bathroom wall, catching my breath.

  “You okay in there?” Maria asks through the closed door.

  “I’m good,” I call out. Deep breath in. Deep breath out. My body protests the trip off the floor, sore from sleeping on the couch in a weird position.

  When I leave the bathroom, Maria is back in the kitchen, stirring something on the stove.

  “My stove hasn’t seen this much action since I moved in,” I tell her.

  “I could tell,” she smirks at me. “I assume you’ll be skipping dinner tonight,” she finishes, making a subtle remark about my pukefest.

  “I don’t think my stomach can handle food right now,” I admit. My voice is apologetic. I don’t want to offend her. She’s taken better care of me these past few days than anyone has in my entire life, other than Jake.

  “Go lay down, maybe you’ll feel better in a little bit,” she suggests. The idea of my bed has me yawning in response. I just nod at her, and offer a small smile. I’m quickly wrapped up in my blanket like a burrito but sleep is hard to come by. I literally just woke up from a nap, and even though I still feel tired, my brain won’t shut off.

  In a moment of weakness, I slide my phone off my bedside table and power it on. Notifications crowd the top bar of my screen. I unlock my phone and start reading. Todd’s texts are frantic. They sting my soul. They break my heart.

  Todd: Ty, you can’t do this.

  Todd: Tell me you’re not being serious.

  Todd: What about the baby? What about you?

  Todd: Tyler, you can’t do this. It’s not safe. You have to let things be as they are. I know you want to save everyone. I know you having feelings for Kade, but it’s too much of a risk. You can’t lose yourself, or the baby, for him.

  Finally he breaks. I can tell it’s over by the last text he sent.

  Todd: You’re making a huge mistake and you know it.

  It’s absolutely harsh. It’s also absolutely the damn truth. I am an idiot. Because while I was lying with Todd on his floor, listening to music, I could see it clearly. I could see the life I could have with Todd. I can see our potential. We’re a good match. I just can’t run away from Kade. I know something could go wrong, I know I’m taking a huge risk going down there, but Maria has every confidence I can do it, and I trust her. I have to trust myself, and I have to trust Kade. Everything will work out. I’ll deal with Todd and whatever that is when I get back. Maybe.

  My phone buzzes in my hand. I yelp and drop it. It falls into the folds of my bed and stops buzzing before I can find it. When I pick it up it buzzes again, this time with a text.

  Todd: Let me in. I can’t even knock on your door.

  Me: What?

  Todd: I’m outside, but every time
I raise my hand to knock it comes back down.

  Me: Oh it must be one of the spells Maria put on.

  Todd: Come down here.

  Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea.

  My phone rings, Todd’s name popping up on the screen. I answer. The phone is by my ear for a moment before either of us speak. I just listen to our breathing.

  “Hello.” I hate the hesitation in my voice.

  “Tyler, please,” he says, his voice breaking.

  “I don’t think I can do this, Todd. You’re just going to try and talk me out of going. I have to go. I have to,” my voice comes out like a sob.

  “Just come let me in or something, you can’t go without talking to me,” he says.

  “I’ll be down in a minute,” I tell him. I pull a big hoodie over my t-shirt and yoga pants combo. Then I throw a coat over that. I’ll probably be too hot, but it’s better than freezing, I lie to myself.

  Todd stands back from the entrance to my apartment building, his nose and cheeks a bright red from the bitter wind. I step out and he turns to face me. His features are hard, unreadable. His eyes roam my body.

  My feet spread apart and my arms cross under my breasts. I’m in standoff mode. If he wants to hash this out, I suppose we can, but I’m telling him with my body posture that he can’t change this. He can’t stop me.

  “Come on, let’s go somewhere warmer to talk.” He turns and heads over to where his car is parked. I could turn around and go inside, the protection spells stopping him from confronting me about this, but I don’t. I owe Todd a lot, I owe him a lot more respect than I’ve given him. So I follow him, my hands shoved in my pockets to keep them out of the bitter cold Iowa air. He’s already in the car when I approach.

  Tepid air blasts from the heaters; it’s not warm enough to stop my teeth from chattering, but still warmer than it is outside. Todd puts the car into gear and we’re driving. We head north out on Main street. Town soon thins until we’re driving past snow-covered cornfields, the snow deep enough to cover the broken stalks. The snow is almost blinding it’s so white, so untouched out here. I forget, living in town, that winter can be pretty. In town, it’s gray, muddy darkness. Mush in my shoes. Out here, it’s like Christmas. Except Christmas is long gone, and we’re approaching Valentine’s day. The thought is depressing; it feels like winter has lasted forever. I’m ready for the sun to feel warm on my skin, I’m ready for more hours of daylight, and flowers, and green grass.